It took me years to start this blog. The idea of writing always appealed to me, but I was too shy to share anything about myself. Even with my closest friends, I would get anxious when discussing trivial things like what movies I watch or music I listen to. Writing-wise, it was even worse. In university, my skin would crawl at the idea of the professor reading my essay. If I said something stupid, the person will forget. But if I wrote it, there was a permanent record.
If I had to psychoanalyze myself, I would say this is rooted in how judgmental I am. Character flaw, but there’s a laundry list of things that when I hear people say they like, I judge them for it. To avoid offending anyone, I will exclude examples, but believe me, they are almost all petty and meaningless. When this is combined with my delusion that I think everyone else thinks like me and is also thinking about me, I become shy about sharing anything. If I am a grey blob of matter, there is nothing to judge.
As with so many other things in a young man’s life, this started to change because of a girl. Initially, it was music; she would ask me to send her songs or put something on when we were in the car. My fear of being judged would make me freeze. But as we spent more time together, I opened up more and shared the songs I truly enjoyed. Then it was movies. She would come over and ask me to put something on. I got to rewatch a lot of my favourites with her. As I revealed more about myself, she made me realize that my fear was unfounded. I felt no judgment, only the warmth of her feelings towards me growing.
Then there was the slow realization that no one cares enough about me to hate on me. Much to my dismay, the world does not revolve around me, and strangers are not constantly thinking of me. Just like me, everyone else is also hyper-focusing on themselves. And if anyone does think of me, then they most likely care for me and are therefore not being judgmental about every little thing.
Once I was actually able to start this blog, it has also helped me open up more. While I haven’t become comfortable enough to share it with anyone, I write it with the assumption that everyone I ever cross paths with has read it or will read it. This leads me to feel free to talk about anything I have written here.
Recent events have made me consider whether it is a good idea to share my thoughts publicly. The prospect of losing out on career opportunities or having visa issues because of a blog worries me. I don’t believe I hold any views that would warrant any trouble, but who knows what becomes unacceptable in the future. For now, I believe the benefits of self-expression outweigh this concern.